Have you ever described yourself as a ‘people pleaser’?
I’ve had many conversations with clients who refer to themselves this way. They say ‘Oh, I’m a people pleaser so I just do it, I don’t say anything, I don’t want to upset them…. (or whatever else they say or do, or don’t say or do as a result).’  

This effectively suggests people pleasing is experienced as an identity, as how they see themselves. Now this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Wanting to support others and make people happy is something we all want at least some of the time. However, it can get in the way of what we need, and even in the way of what others need. It can prevent us having important conversations, it can stop us providing feedback that is useful for others and for our relationships, and it can leave both ourselves and others feeling disempowered and resentful. Over time, it can lead to anxiety and depression and have us feeling our needs aren't important.

Thinking about people pleasing as a behaviour.
If this resonates for you, I encourage you to think about people pleasing differently. Rather than thinking of people pleasing as a personality trait, or as part of your identity, I find it more helpful to understand people pleasing as a behaviour, or a set of behaviours.

Why does this matter?
Thinking of people pleasing as a behaviour allows you to think of it as something you do, rather than as who you are. You can therefore detach more easily from the behaviour and decide if it’s helpful or unhelpful without making self-judgements. It gives you choices around whether to dial the behaviour (or behaviours) up or down in the situation you’re in, and to decide if the behaviour is appropriate and helpful. This is much easier when people pleasing is something you do, and not linked with who you are, when it’s not linked with your identity.

So, next time you feel you want to people please, recognise what this would have you doing or not doing, where it would be helpful and where it might get in the way. What would be the impact of the people pleasing behaviour on yourself and others? Then decide if you are going to dial up or dial down these behaviours.
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Laurenne Di Salvo
Clinical Hypnotherapist | Coach (PCC) | Facilitator
0413 776564
www.harvestcoaching.com.au

Do you ever find yourself mentally listing all the things you ‘should do’? I’m guessing that any thoughts containing ‘should’ leave you feeling less energised, unenthusiastic, put-upon, obligated, perhaps resistant, even resentful. You may find you either procrastinate, or you do the things you ‘should do’, but the energy you bring to them and the emotions associated with completing these things aren’t so positive.

I really believe the language we use has a huge impact on how we feel about what we do, or don’t do. People can say it’s semantics, but language is important.

So, what does this mean in the context of ‘should’? Well, language matters. It’s worth noticing how you feel about something on your ‘should’ list if you change your language to ‘choose to’ (or ‘choose not to’), ‘want to’, or ‘get to’.

By using language like ‘choose to’ or ‘choose not to’ we feel more empowered, more in control. If we choose to go to the gym, or choose not to, both are valid choices that we are owning, rather than giving our power away to an external source, be that a real source or an imagined voice telling us we ‘should’.

This applies in all areas. When we are choosing to do something or choosing not to, we are making the decision and this brings a very different energy, one of gratitude, freedom, conscious choice. And if we choose not to, then we can own that too and be comfortable in the ‘not doing’. You can choose to get fit, give up vaping, complete a project at work, call a friend or family member, or whatever else is on your ‘should’ list. Or you can choose not to. I think we always feel better about a choice we make, rather than one we feel is forced upon us, or one where we feel an obligation.
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So I leave you with the question, what are you going to choose to do, and what are you going to choose not to do? Make the choice and then be comfortable with owning that choice. While not a magic wand, I do encourage you to notice the difference in how you feel when you change the language of your thoughts. 

Laurenne Di Salvo
Coach (PCC) | Clinical Hypnotherapist | Facilitator
0413 776564
www.harvestcoaching.com.au