Authenticity with Volume Control

Authenticity with Volume Control

When we turn ourselves down
Have you ever felt the need to dampen yourself down? To be less, to be smaller, to be the ‘good girl’ or ‘good boy’? Maybe you’ve tried to hide parts of yourself. 

We do this for many reasons. We want to belong, to fit in. We don’t want to make waves. We want others to feel comfortable. Or perhaps, at some point, we discovered that when we allowed ourselves to be fuller, bigger, louder or more intensely ourselves, it was met with disapproval.

Over time, this can become a pattern.

We learn to turn the volume down, sometimes so automatically that we don’t even notice we’re doing it. And eventually, we may find ourselves editing who we are even when there’s no need to.

Often, the people we’re dampening ourselves down around aren’t even aware that we’re doing it. They may have their own versions of the same pattern. And so, this isn’t about judgement or blame. It’s about awareness.

A very personal reminder
I’ve recently had a very personal reminder of this.

We recently had to say goodbye to our beautiful dog, Mocha. My heart feels quite broken by this, but alongside the grief, Mocha’s passing has also allowed a freedom.

Mocha suffered terribly with anxiety and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. His anxiety was neurological rather than behavioural, but regardless of the cause, it had a significant impact on the way we lived. We learned to modify ourselves around him.

If I laughed, cried, sang, raised my voice in frustration or excitement, his anxiety was triggered and he would bark or run laps of the house. He was particularly sensitive to me, but responded similarly to others too.

He didn’t like more than one person behind the kitchen bench. He didn’t like me having someone in my office. He was extremely sensitive to sound, so even on walks I became conscious of helicopters, trailers, children’s voices and anything else that might cause him distress.

Mocha was a very gentle, very sweet dog. AND, living with his anxiety meant that we changed how we behaved. We accommodated his needs.

While the situation with Mocha was obviously more extreme than many of the situations in which we dampen ourselves down, it highlighted a pattern for me, a tendency to sometimes dampen down who I am in order to make others comfortable.

Definitely not all the time. Certainly not with everyone, but often enough.

This can feel paradoxical, because I consider myself to be quite authentic in how I show up, but sometimes I’m authentic with the volume turned down.

Adaptation or self-suppression?
This has me reflecting on the difference between adaptation and self-suppression.

We all adapt. We behave differently depending on where we are, who we’re with and what the situation requires. We might speak more quietly, hold back a reaction, or choose not to say something because it would be unhelpful or unkind.

That isn't necessarily being inauthentic.

The question is, am I choosing to adapt, or have I learned that I need to make myself smaller, to hold back, in order to keep others feeling comfortable?

There’s a big difference.

Whose comfort are we responsible for?
Perhaps another useful question is:
Whose comfort am I responsible for?
If my happiness makes someone uncomfortable, do I need to become less happy?
If my confidence makes someone uncomfortable, do I need to become less confident?
If expressing my needs inconveniences someone, do I need to have fewer needs?

Of course, this doesn't mean we get to behave however we like and dismiss the impact we have on others. Consideration, empathy and flexibility matter.

But there is a difference between considering someone else's feelings and taking responsibility for managing them.

Who is controlling the volume dial?
So, what do we do with all of this?

I think the first step is awareness. Then comes choice.

We can start noticing when we turn ourselves down, and asking:
Why am I doing this?
What am I afraid might happen if I don't?
Did I consciously choose this, or did I automatically implement a familiar response?

And perhaps most importantly:
Who is holding the volume dial?

Because authenticity isn't about being the loudest version of ourselves all the time.
Sometimes we will quite appropriately turn the volume down.
Sometimes we'll turn it up.
Sometimes we'll choose something in between.

The goal isn't to live permanently at full volume.

It's to know that we have a choice about the volume.

To be able to show up in full colour when we want to, without fear or discomfort automatically deciding how much of us the world gets to see.

And perhaps that is what freedom looks like.

Warmly,

Laurenne
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Laurenne Di Salvo
Coach (PCC) | Clinical Hypnotherapist | Facilitator
0413 776564
www.harvestcoaching.com.au

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