Do You Identify as A People Pleaser?

Do You Identify as A People Pleaser?

Have you ever described yourself as a ‘people pleaser’?
I’ve had many conversations with clients who refer to themselves this way. They say ‘Oh, I’m a people pleaser so I just do it, I don’t say anything, I don’t want to upset them…. (or whatever else they say or do, or don’t say or do as a result).’  

This effectively suggests people pleasing is experienced as an identity, as how they see themselves. Now this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Wanting to support others and make people happy is something we all want at least some of the time. However, it can get in the way of what we need, and even in the way of what others need. It can prevent us having important conversations, it can stop us providing feedback that is useful for others and for our relationships, and it can leave both ourselves and others feeling disempowered and resentful. Over time, it can lead to anxiety and depression and have us feeling our needs aren't important.

Thinking about people pleasing as a behaviour.
If this resonates for you, I encourage you to think about people pleasing differently. Rather than thinking of people pleasing as a personality trait, or as part of your identity, I find it more helpful to understand people pleasing as a behaviour, or a set of behaviours.

Why does this matter?
Thinking of people pleasing as a behaviour allows you to think of it as something you do, rather than as who you are. You can therefore detach more easily from the behaviour and decide if it’s helpful or unhelpful without making self-judgements. It gives you choices around whether to dial the behaviour (or behaviours) up or down in the situation you’re in, and to decide if the behaviour is appropriate and helpful. This is much easier when people pleasing is something you do, and not linked with who you are, when it’s not linked with your identity.

So, next time you feel you want to people please, recognise what this would have you doing or not doing, where it would be helpful and where it might get in the way. What would be the impact of the people pleasing behaviour on yourself and others? Then decide if you are going to dial up or dial down these behaviours.
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Laurenne Di Salvo
Clinical Hypnotherapist | Coach (PCC) | Facilitator
0413 776564
www.harvestcoaching.com.au

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